Just in from London
NEW RELEASE:
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure t o nominate competent candidates for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress an d the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with
immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Ge nerally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is n o such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter
'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
gro wn up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections
will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They
are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occas ionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a
Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armo ur like a bunch of nancies). Don't
try Rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
even t called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,with
high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
Dave