Hello to my AS Junkies!

I was hoping you guys can help me out. My boyfriend will be coming home in a few months from his deployment in Iraq  and I was wondering if anyone has any sites that would be useful to help me be prepared for his home coming. I just want to make his transition easier. I know some of you junkies have gone or will be going through this. So if anyone has any guideance, advice, information, and/or  websites it would be great!

Thanks!

:-) Andrea

Andrea Hello!

I am sure you will get some good advice from members.

One book that may help is "Courage After Fire."

It has information on transistion and more.

You should read it before he comes home and then he can read it when he comes home if he wishes.

It will help you understand him better.

Blessings, door

 

door:

One book that may help is "Courage After Fire."

  This is a particularly easy to read book, simple and to the point.  Well-passed around in my work place.  

All people, even of the same flavor, don't fit into the same senario - everyone is different, individual, but there are some common denominators.  Remember what it's like to come out of a raucous event where everyone is on the same page, but then walk into a completely different environment?  Like coming out of a rock concert or football game into local transportation: even the if one lowers their voice the "energy" bounces off you - interesting stuff, and fairly easy to recognize (here in the day clinics at the hospital). Imagine the guys & gals coming out of theater expoentially more intense: ready to work, ready to go... sometimes ready to be home, sometimes need some easing in; they will need their buds, their unit, and you.  Books explain a lot, help one have some slack, some personal leyway; but each person is truly themselves.  I am so happy for you, it is very joyful and appreciative (here) meeting warriors who stop in; God bless you.

Hi Andrea,

I have never been in the military but I was in the US Peace Corps in North Africa, Morocco for over 2 years with limited contact from home (this was many years ago before computers and phone cards).  I suspect that my return home, while vastly different from guys returning from a war zone, had some similarities.  It was actually harder to re-adjust to home than it was to adjust to going overseas.  This was in part because I expected the assignment to be hard, while I assumed that returning home would be simple.  You have spent a lot of time anticipating how great everything will be when you get home.  Then reality sets in.  Life has gone on.  You do not feel like you truly belong because you've lost over a year's worth of culture (movies, music, news) and your friends have moved on with their lives.  And you personally have changed in huge ways.  People ask , "How was it?" and expect 3 sentence answers, when you have gone through a truly life altering experience.  There were some people who were especially insensitive in their questions.  For soldiers, there is the added joy of having some Americans who are so opposed to the war that they cannot separate the war from the warriors and feel free to vent their venom on any military person they see.  If you are married or have kids, you have to re-establish your individual roles (while your family is also trying to re-adjust to their new roles).  At times it was easy to feel impatient with others who worry about seemingly mundane things and I imagine that's especially true for soldiers who were in life and death situations.  Everyone handles their re-adjustment differently.  For some people, talking to family and friends is a big relief.  Others do not wish to burden the people they love best with their own personal demons. 

For me personally, I found the most help from my support people who would really listen and not judge my emotions, allowing me to vent as needed.  They gave me time and space to come back into my own as I was ready. 

In no way am I trying to equate my experiences with those of our servicemen and women.  I expect that you would have to increase my discomfort a 1000 fold to come even close to theirs.  My experiences were generally positive, while some of these folks have gone through unspeakable experiences.  And those who were in relatively safe areas may feel guilty that they "had it so easy".   While I advocate giving people their space, I also believe in being watchful and encouraging soldiers to seek out help if they are in despair or feeling out of control.  Hope this helps.  Maybe some of our forum soldiers who have come home can weigh in on the discussion.

 Kathy 

Hi Andrea...I agree with Kathy...we lived overseas for a while too, and when we came back to the US we felt totally out of it. Our whole family was having the same feelings,  so at least we had eachother to talk to about how we felt.  This is why what Lori said above about them needing their buds really holds true.  As Kathy said, this in no way equates to how a soldier might feel coming home from a war zone....they probably REALLY feel out of it!!  All the sights and smells and voices sound different...it takes some time to adjust for sure.  With time and love though, all will be well.  Also, don't forget...you are important, too!!  So, so happy for you!  take care, Laura

Forgive me: I don't mean to offend  (but) I was just smiling to myself remembering my friend, SGT-S remarking to me, "stoplight? what stoplight?" and "curbs? what curbs?' and arguing that he was going to drive my Bronco again (laughter) - heck no. Some things can be amusing, to both of us, but his true alarm regarding minor trash in the road was serious, as were abrupt protective actions. One thing we agreed on immediately was the lack of worry over things inconsequential. I was just happy he returned, he was just happy he did too. Told me over and over again that the "things" (he'd hear) people complain about were ridiculous (smile). Sure helped with my own priorities. 

I am very happy for you.    

 My advice: lots of patience- both you and him!  Deployments have a way of "making their fuse shorter"- especially if he's had a really rough deployment. And look into the signs of PTSD if you're not familiar with them. 

Hugs to you Andrea. My husband and friends are Vietnam Vets so things may (hopefully) be different in a good way, but I found it best not to ask questions about what they went through but to listen hard when they chose to talk. Pictures can be a great catalyst for starting them talking. And nightmares were common after the memories were flowing. Make sure you know how your loved one wants to be woken up, I throw a pillow. Safer that way.

Thanks, Mom 

Hi Andrea,

   This is just a short note.  I have a grandson that returned from Iraq, he did two tours there, and also a friend that came home for R&R, he is on his 4th tour.  Neither of them wanted to be any where near a mall.  Crowds bother them when they come back.  If they go shopping they are in and out of the store very quickly.  They also have some habits that look strange to us, such as not standing directly in front of a closed elevator door.  The reason is that someone can come out shooting, if they are to the side they won't get hit.  They are still hyper vigilant when they return.  It isn't something that they can turn off just because their location has changed.  They don't like to be in places that they can feel trapped.  And they are very protective of the person they are with. The adjustment takes time.  I hope this helps you some.

Chyenne

ThanksMom:

Make sure you know how your loved one wants to be woken up, I throw a pillow. Safer that way.

Thanks, Mom 

 

Very true.  One time my ex-boyfriend (a Marine) was sleeping on the couch.  I walked up to kiss him on the forehead and he woke up as I was right above him.  He jumped about 2 feet and and said "Don't ever do that again!"- because he'd almost punched me in the face!  He wouldn't have ever hit me on purpose, but they stay in that *really* alert, defensive mindset that they use in a war zone.  It really scared him and me.  So just be careful of stuff like that.

Chyenne's advice is also really good.  Not only crowded places, but sometimes they will swerve if they see trash on the highway, thinking that it's an IED.  I think that's only likely to happen if he was driving convoys, though.  A lot depends on how rough of a deployment he had and his job over there.
 

I want to thank all of your posts about this issue. My son won't be on R&R for several more months yet but it is something very real that we as a family need to address. Since he was at his post for several months before his deployment, the things at home (our house) will not be as familiar as those he was around before going over. But as brought up in several very informative posts, just the normal things we do here are possible dangerous situations in their work day, objects in roads, elevators, large crowds of people. We will now be very sensitive to these. Thanks again for all the support to our Troops. God Bless 

There are so many similarities- like the speeding, the not wanting to be around crowds,watching the entrances and exits , never having his back facing those locations, and the nightmares. Those were just a few things that I noticed when he was home on R&R.   It's interesting that you all mentioned how he wants to be woken up. It was one of my fears on how I was going to wake him up and not scare him. So I let him be and he woke up on his own. He asked why I didnt wake him and explained that I didn't want to surprise him and frighten him. He laughed and said he understood.

You guys are really amazing and its so nice to be able to talk about concerns and issues with. And the advice and scenarios are so on target.

 It's a harsh reality but atleast we can learn how to be on the look out for situations.

 

Thanks again!!

 :-) Andrea

 

Andrea, I've been working on a booklet on coming home (it's mostly for the R & R but applies to coming home too) and if you email me, I'll send it to you. It's still a little rough in places. -- As usual, you are getting good advice here. What I've noticed is that some women try to get their guys to talk -- and the guys may not want to talk, and they just want to sit and chill.  I'd avoid making any plans without his okay -  you might like to go to an amusement park but that has all the ingredients that caused problems in Iraq - no perimeter you can control, unexpected noises, and crowds. Even the smell of barbecue may bother him. Depends what he did there and what he saw. He may find it really hard going under bridges, under freeway overpasses (danger zones in Iraq). If he goes from 0 to 100 in anger, that's a PTSD thing - it's not you. Remember also that it's a big shock to come home to a country (depending on where you are, of course) that barely knows we're at war -- seeing the movie stars on the TV news (rather than real news), hearing peoples' stupid day to day complaints, can all cause a lot of frustration and more. But remember, he is coming home to YOU, and that's what he's been dreaming about for all these months. I have wondered whether wearing one perfume all the time would help him know that it is you. If this works, please let me know -- --. Sometimes the pain of losing buddies and other things that happened come out some months later. Don't be hurt if he wants to spend time with his buddies, also. It's a way to get grounded.... I wouldn't recommend going to any violent movies like The Kingdom (has a scene with a suicide bomber). Let him take the lead. Have a lot of food in the house so you don't have to make a lot of trips out. He may want you to be there with him, even if he doesn't talk much!  I am happy for you that he is coming home. Barbara

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, they will eat you out of house and home.  Breakfast was a pound of bacon, 10 eggs, pancakes and a whole plate of hashbrowns.  He was playing a video game and downed a whole gallon of milk and a carton of orange juice.  Food just disappears instantly.  It's understandable considering what they've been eating.  4 or 5 hamburgers at one setting wasn't unusual.  His girlfriend was astounded at what he was eating.  She thought that she had bought enough food for the two of them.  She was back at the grocery store in two days stocking up.

Chyenne