Well,  i've been waiting for this, just a matter of time i guess, but the different emotions are beginning to flood me now.

I was feeling down and sad yesterday, soooooo  i made a road trip yesterday to Kansas city, and wound up comming back with a 98 jeep.

Now my issue is this, in as awesome as this jeep is, now i dont know if i can enjoy it, or anything else for that matter.

I just feel that this money i now have, am i spending in a way  that Rick would approve?

I dont know,  i've been doubting myself and everything lately,  this new found riches means nothing to me, i dont even want it, but I think Rick had a plan for this and for me, i just hope i dont let him down.

I am feeling very lost right now.

sigh

Me

 Perhaps you could look at it as carrying on the adventure? Rick will always be with you......no one can change that....The Jeep is just the vehicle to carry you to  new places, familiar places, discovery places, and more.

   Hold onto this sturdy vehicle during the waves that pass. Some will hit hard, some  will gently brush by......you have no reason to feel any guilt.None!  You are doing what you need to be doing and should be doing.  Live Life as it should be lived, as it could be lived, and keep , always keep that glow in your heart. 

 Gentle Hugs

 Amy

Oh Bob...my heart just breaks for you...

I went through this same "guilt" when my dad died.  I remember so distinctly, the first time I laughed at something after he died I felt like I was dishonoring him somehow, and then I cried for hours out of guilt.  It seemed like it was so wrong to be able to enjoy anything...

As abnormal as everything seems right now, what you're feeling and experiencing are a normal part of the grief process.  Me telling you that "Rick wouldn't want you to be that way" won't help a bit at this point, but I promise you, one day, when it seems you least expect it, that realization will come to you, and you'll be able to smile and move forward and start to enjoy your life again...

You are in my thoughts everyday and my love and prayers are with you...

bob,

No one could ever doubt that you would trade everything to have Rick back. No Jeep, bank account or anything else for that matter is a fair trade for your boy. But the reality is, Rick made plans in advance for you and I have to believe he would love the Jeep. I also believe what you are feeling is "normal". I have been really struggling myself the last couple of months. Every since my son told me that he has fears that something bad could happen so close to coming home, well lets just say I get sleep every night thanks to Ambien cr. Every time we go a week without hearing from him I'm a wreck. His mom and I call each other the minute we hear from him no matter the time of day. You know, the same stuff you were going through before you got your terrible news. So I guess the bottom line is all this stuff goes along with the whole "freedom isn't free" thing. There is a price we all pay in our way. Our boys knew their choice to serve would place them in harms way and we knew that we may have to face the worst. I hope you are doing well and will continue heal. I am glad you got the Jeep. Enjoy it.

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Alan

Bob,

If you think about it long enough, you may find that you have part of the heaviness of the grieving process working on you influencing you so that you interpret the feeling as guilt.  Allow yourself to find a little pleasure in anything you can to salve the pain of the grief.  We know the term survivor's guilt that the troops feel when their fellow warriors lose their lives.  They grieve their loss, even though they are allowed to feel pleasure in being spared themselves.  We surely feel guilt at surviving a child's loss, and don't expect to receive an inheritance from them under usual circumstances.  It has to confuse the emotions and senses because it is so backwards from anything we expect in life.  We hope that as the days go by, you can find some joy in small things to temper your loss.

Hugs,

Gran

Bob,

I am so proud of you in taking that trip to Kansas City when you were feeling so bad.  You needed that trip, and that Jeep.  Please don't feel guilty.  Rick would love it that you are trying to get on with LIFE...that is why he prepared the way for you to do just that.  Don't let him down.  Living is just what he wants you to do. 

NOW...LIVE, BOB, LIVE!!!

Love your Army Family,

Tamra

(Proud mom of a Soldier in the Korengal Valley!)

P.S. Shawn just took his boards to become a Sergeant and he passed!!!!  I am so proud of him, my soldier, my hero!

Bawbage (had to do that.....I hope it'll make you smile a bit)

From what I've read about Rick, he loved adventure......and what better way to keep his life and sense of adventure going.....than getting a jeep!!!!    Maybe, in time........you can make a trip to a favorite fishing hole of his.....and maybe even encourage some of his buddies in the area to go with you.   When my brother passed ...... we kept having his friends over......it not only helped us......it helped them too.  Then one of his friends wanted to write a book about him.   He encouraged all of us and his friends and coworkers to write a story.....serious or funny about Paul.    Then he copied it all and bound it.   It is something I treasue to this day........and it keeps his memory and presence with us everyday.   

I hope all of this info that we are putting out to you doesn't overwhelm you.......we all just want to help you 

"When someone you love becomes a Memory.......that memory becomes a TREASURE!!!"

Love peace and blessings.....Anne Marie

Bob Hello!

The feelings of being lost, is felt different by everyone. As I take it, you speak of having a responsibilty to Rick, but not knowing what it may be, which leaves you feeling lost. Mourning is a time to dwell and think of things. It is a time you give to yourself to sort things out in your mind. Your feelings will be up, and down, but be patient with yourself, that the answer will eventually come. I know I can't take away your pain, no one could. I will send you an idea in a email, Blessings, door

 Bob, I echo lots of what's been said here! I do understand some of what you're feeling; my dad's passing and inheritance made me able to buy a home, which I did right away after receiving the disbursement. (I knew I'd blow it if i didn't invest it asap!) My sisters worked HARD at making me feel awful about it. "Can't you let some time pass at least?" Well, years later, I have a home that reminds me alllll the time of my dad. I talk to him while I garden, mow, or grill out. I have things around that remind me of him regularly. And I know he'd be glad that he was able to "live on" in something tangible in my life. My sisters have nothing left that they used their share to celebrate Dad's life with---so I'm glad I went with my gut and honored my dad as I did. And I hope you can look at the car the same way.

Rick would likely want you to have good times with him like I do with my dad in the garden. So, as was suggested---take that vehicle on trips Rick would have enjoyed. Talk to him while you drive around town. And if you find a secluded (and SAFE) back road somewhere, gun it for a mile and turn up the music loud! Do it for Rick. :)

 And another thing that folks who have lost someone close to them can attest to...I remember looking at smiling grocery store clerks for weeks, wanting to yell "Don't you know? Can't you see the world just changed?? Can't you see??" And that feeling is NORMAL.I wish someone had told me that, I would have had less of an urge to slap the poor checkout girl.

 Don't let your feelings get twisted into guilt or anything that makes  you feel awful about YOU. Grief is something that can really make a mess of you if you let it drive you to distraction. Give yourself permission to have a good cry, or punch a fencepost, or yell loudly in a forest somewhere. It's okay. And we're all here for you anytime. Forum or chat---pm or public, talk to us....we'll grieve with you!

 (((hug)))

Bob - Please accept our sincere condolences on the loss of your son Rick.  I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through or what words might bring you some small measure of comfort.

Grieve in whatever manner brings you whatever ease you can afford your soul at this moment in time.  One day there will be a minute when you are at rest and another day it will be two minutes.  Eventually that time will increase and you will have a half way decent day again.

Until that time comes, I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that so many people are thinking about you and praying for you.

God Bless,

Ann

Bob,

Give it time, you are doing the right thing, take it a day at a time. Let yourself grieve but also let yourself be happy it is okay to laugh again Rick would want that.

We will continue to pray that you will feel surrounded with comfort and strength.

Angela

" And another thing that folks who have lost someone close to them can attest to...I remember looking at smiling grocery store clerks for weeks, wanting to yell "Don't you know? Can't you see the world just changed?? Can't you see??" And that feeling is NORMAL.I wish someone had told me that, I would have had less of an urge to slap the poor checkout girl."

Oh my Gosh Colorful This is sooo exact!  Here you are hurting and  you can't understand why people don't know! And sometimes the words they say just don't help, do they?   if I had to hear , just one more time, "Well, We all have to go through it".I was going to pop someone.  I told my husband those words "discount" how I am feeling and that's not fair.

 Bob,  there will be waves if grief. You'll go along smoothly and then WHAM, you get soaked with a Tsunami.  Hang on, and surf  'em out. 

One thing that may help, is to  give yourself a bit of a tradition, something  that is a special  action that you can do. For me, when my Dad passed, it was light a candle.  I would focus  my thoughts  and  hurt on that candle flame. For some reason it was a comfort.  I also had a very good friend whom I could contact and all i had to do was say I need to light my candle.and she would light hers....there was an incredible comfort in knowing her candle was glowing along with mine.  It made a connection of support that words couldn't describe.

 Although its been years since Dad passed, I still have my "traditions" that help me...The first snow. That first fat fluffy flaked snow. I call it DadSnow.  And it brings a tear, but also a smile.

 I know right now all you will see are words on a page. I do hope  you find some comfort in knowing there are people who feel your loss and care very deeply.  Please know that we are here to stand by your side, behind you if you feel you might fall, or in front of you if times need a buffer.

 Rememerb there is no right or wrong  during this Bob. You are feeling. That is the most important part. 

 very Gentle Hugs and also thanks.....for you are a guide for some.  Thank you for being here.

 Amy

bob and family;  i am so sorry for what you and yours are going through. my family has just been where you are, our son, sargent john m penich, kia 10/16/2008, 1-26inf, viper, afghan. was my baby. we have three other children and we are all praying for you and yours and hold you in our hearts.    Johns mom, kathy

bob, i just read a few more of the posts and i want to tell you that i to have had a hard time with the money. i know what my boy wanted and it was for me to be happy and have all he could give me and our family.  thank god and rick by treasureing the gifts he is giving you from heaven. i had the blessing of talking to john about what he would want before he left and i have done all he has asked me to do with the money. know that your son loved you so much and honor him by taking pride in his gifts.   kathy

Dear Mrs. Penich-Gaross,

This is the first time that I have seen you post in the forum, but I wanted you to know that I felt the loss of your son so deeply and mourned for you and all of your family.  I had just picked up Sgt. John Penich as a contact the day before...  There are so many people in here at Any Soldier that "knew" of your son's sacrifice.  I was incredibly touched by the graceful way that you handled the situation with the media.

I, and I think I can speak for many, Thank You for the gift of your son and his service to our country...

My very best wishes and huge amounts of prayers for you, Bob and all of the family members of our Fallen Heroes.

Always in my thoughts,  Kaylynn