I don't have kids so I have no input on the original question. However, this is a fantastic thread. Any thought, discussion, involvement of educating kids, schools, the next generation... really great. Just wanted to tell you i think it's a REALLY important topic, specific to your situation and in the larger picture. And i've always kinda wondered what folks on AS tell their kids so evesdropping on y'all a little bit has been very satisfying ; )

Great post. Shelly

Childhood is such a short time in a person's life.  I too, think that small, young children do not need to know all the details. I believe in allowing a child to be a child as long as possible.  Life is filled with horrific incidents on a daily basis.  I would edit the email in an appropriate way and save the hard news for when they are older.  I do believe that you will save that email and have it for the rest of your life, so it really isn't necessary to share it in its entirety today. 

It is so hard to shelter a child from the world today because of the media and I mean all types. There is a time and an age for everything.  Keep the power you have to protect your children.  They will learn soon enough.

Just my opinion. 

Wow,  thanks to everyone for taking the time to write.  I do share the emails with them but I will just pass along the message that he got the toys.  I will save that email for a time when they are older, I did not even think of that, great idea.  Thanks again, and feel free to post more replies, this really is a great thread due to the great responses.

Sandy 

I would like to share an experience that happened to four  children under the age of 7 who were the children of my late husband's closest friend, who died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 43 in 1994.  Chris had passed away 1 year and 6 months to the day before my husband.

He and his wife were seperated at the time of his death.  She and her family felt they did not want the kids to go to the wake or funeral as they did not want to deal with the reality of his death with his children.  Chris adored his young children and took them every where with him.

About 8 months after he was buried, his wife took them to the cemetery.  The oldest was 7, and the twins were 4, and the youngest was 2.  When they got to his grave, they all started crying, and Christopher, who was 4 at the time, said "Why didn't you tell us you buried Daddy".  He bent down and started digging the dirt, and said "Daddy, here is my hand, I will help you climb out."

Kids are smarter than you give them credit for, and can sense when something is wrong.  When my siblings and I were very young, my father brought us to all the wakes of our Aunts and Uncles that passed away, and told us we had to pay our respects to the person that passed away and that person's family as that is what you do.

The children of this generation, are growing up faster than I did as a child, a long time ago.  They see and hear all from their friends, school, TV, and books.

If a child doesn't want to know the details, he will not ask you.  But if they do want to know, and they are extremely curious, they will find out from their friends in school.  I think all parents would agree that they would want their children to hear it from them, and not their friends.

Yes, this is a terrific post.  In my state, NY, where the Towers were destroyed, it affected everyone, and the schools took steps as to how to deal with the children, who they knew would not have a Mom or Dad coming home that day.  They kept the children in school.  The schools later on held counseling sessions for the children, when the kids did return to school.  I don't think any of the children in the Tri-State area or Washington did not know that something very bad was going on.  They closed the airspace over Long Island.  The only planes we saw flying after the Towers were struck, were the Air Force Jets.

I have met many young children these days, that know more than I ever did when I was there age.

My father died when I was six, and I have 2 younger brothers. Dad had cancer and it was never hidden from us. I remember seeing the tops of the tumors on his back. I remember him coughing up blood. I remember sitting in the hospital hallway while he had his chemo. None of those things were happy, but neither were they scary as it was all 'matter of fact.' Mom says we wandered around the funeral home and ended in the embalming room even, but the funeral director was of the same mindset as mom so they just answered our questions then let us leave when we were ready.

My son was born with a heart defect. Even from the toddler age I had the doctor explain the machines, tests, and problems to him as much as possible. He was better able to cooperate once he understood WHY, just like most of us would.

The point here is to tell the truth, answer what is asked without overwhelming the child, and don't make it a forbidden or hidden topic as THAT is what makes it scary.

Thanks, Mom

Thanks Mom

Diane, You are so right.  Children, are always asking "WHY".  This is how they learn.  They take what you tell them and process it "their" way.

I am so sorry that you lost your Daddy at 6 years of age. Unimaginable!....What a heartbreak!.....for you, your two younger brothers, and your Mom, who lost the love of her life. 

My dad died when I was 21, suddenly, of a heart attack in front of us.  My youngest brother was 14.  It shapes our lives, our minds, and helps us deal with reality.  I have been in therapy since my husband died and have learned that Good Mental Health is getting in touch with reality.

This is life......like you say.....it was all "matter of fact".  Not so pleasant things happen to so many people.....but by dealing with the reality of life and death, you have helped your child grow up...... and to not be afraid. 

Mimi

Mimi, he had a heart attack in front of you?? I can't imagine something as bad as that.

Well, my mom is good, thank God! When I was 5 I think (2002) she had Necrofiling Fashiutis (I am not the best speller, sounds like: Nekro-FeelEing FashEItis) purly from stress! That really got me worried.

I don't have my own kids, though lots of kids and Nieces abound.  Just another thought, but sometimes, we try to protect our kids so much that the outside info never gives them the truth.  Don't you think they wonder about "their soldiers"  They see the news and hear the radio where it says 4 more soldiers were killed in Iraq today, they hear about 9/11 in school already, there are movies out they might catch on a friends TV, even if not on yours.  I think the middle ground may be more firm with something like:

"Thank you and your family.  Yesterday I was able to provide Iraqi children some of the items you guys have sent on.  They loved it, unfortunately we had a dangerous incident occur, but we took care of it.

The older two will probably understand, the younger will understand it was dangerous.

Dealing with my nieces has been a joy over the years, but they have always been two steps ahead of us.  I can't help but think about the joke where the father calls his son over to him and tells him he wants to talk to him about growing up.  The kid gives him a stern eye and says, "Wait! The first time you told me that, you told me there was no tooth fairy.  The second time you told me that, you told me there was no Santa.  If you tell me adults don't have sex, I refuse to grow up."

The point being only you know how mature your kids are and they are never as innocent as we were.

Good luck and hugs to them.

Bo

Hey Nick,

Yes, sadly, he did die in front of us.  It was very tough to see your father alive one minute and dead the next.  But you get through it, because you don't have a choice, grief steps in to numb you.  My mom died in my arms which was a beautiful experience as it was so peaceful, she was in her own home, her own bed, and we couldn't even tell if she had passed on.  On the other hand, my husband died in a different state, I was not with him which was good in a way, as I don't think I would have been able to handle seeing him die.

But this is life.  You are just starting to learn about life.  It's like a deck of cards.  You play the hand you are dealt.  There are many people who love you and would watch out for you, and help you get through the bad times.  But then there are so many of the good times, and this is why you have to tell your mom, your dad, your family, that you love them.  So they know how you feel about them.  You look back on your life, and you remember all the good times that you had together.  You never, ever forget them, or stop thinking about them, but you have great memories and that is what helps you throughout your life.

This is why it is so important to support the troops, a letter, or card shows that you care about them.  It is also good to send e-mails to your friends, and family and let them know that you appreciate them.  Just think how happy you will make someone when they hear from you. 

You are a very special young man, and you are very compassionate for your age.  And I think that what you feel and talk about matters, and just think how happy you make your Mom and how proud she is of you.  The thing to remember is to treat the other person, the way that you want to be treated, and things will work out.  I never had children, but if I did, I would want a son just like you.

Love, Mimi

I'm 14 so I know pretty much exactly what's going on over there. I know my soldiers may not come home. I teach a 4th and 5th grade youth class at my church. I decided one day, when I had extra time, to read a letter from my soldier. They were all extremely excited to hear what he had to say and immediately wanted to write him back. Next Sunday I gave them all cards to sign and got a few questions like, "Can I write more than just my name?" and stuff like that. Then when everyone got quiet someone said, "He's killing people over there." He didn't say it mean or anything he just kind of was stating the obvious. All the other kids looked at me like "yeah what's the deal?" I pretty much told them that the soldiers were over there for me and you. They were making sure that we had freedom so that we could go to school and church without being afraid. I told him that, yes, sometimes soldiers did kill somebody but that they didn't like to, nor did they want to and it makes them very sad too do it.. He asked me, "How sad do they get?" So I said, "Sometimes they get so sad when the come home they are sick." He looked at me and said, "They are awesome people!" -- It probably wasn't the most graceful conversation but judging by the latter it sufficed. FYI the letters they sent him made it and he just wrote them back. Tomorro at church I will pass them out.

Mimi Z:

Thanks Mom

Diane, You are so right.  Children, are always asking "WHY".  This is how they learn.  They take what you tell them and process it "their" way.

I am so sorry that you lost your Daddy at 6 years of age. Unimaginable!....What a heartbreak!.....for you, your two younger brothers, and your Mom, who lost the love of her life. 

My dad died when I was 21, suddenly, of a heart attack in front of us.  My youngest brother was 14.  It shapes our lives, our minds, and helps us deal with reality.  I have been in therapy since my husband died and have learned that Good Mental Health is getting in touch with reality.

This is life......like you say.....it was all "matter of fact".  Not so pleasant things happen to so many people.....but by dealing with the reality of life and death, you have helped your child grow up...... and to not be afraid. 

Mimi

My dad died when I was 13. I was holding his hand and he was there, the next minute he was gone. It's a horrible thing to go through and mentally you just have to get tough. My mom was not there when he died, and even if she was I could not tallk to her about it; she can barely see a picture of my dad. I've just had to realize that it's something I was there for, something I saw, and something I will have to live and deal with on my own. It's all about what you can do mentally.

Ooooohhhhh Ash,

I am so sorry that you loss your Dad, and only a short time ago.  You don't know it now.....but you are still in shock and in the early stages of grieving.  I never even found out about the stages of grieving until my husband died.

The reason you can't really talk with your Mom about your Dad right now, because she is devastated.  She is probably so depressed and doesn't want to worry you with what she is going through right now.  I have been there as a wife who lost her husband, and as a kid who lost her Dad.  I did not realize what my Mom went through when my Dad died until 21 years later when my own husband died.  I told her "Mom, I am so sorry I never realized what you went through when Daddy died, and why you keep talking about him, even now".   And, she told me, "yeah Mary, you kids all thought I was nuts".  Ash this is what happens.  But you and your Mom have had some beautiful memories with your Dad and one day you will remember him and think of all the good times you had.  I know your Mom will talk to you about your Dad when she will be able too.  Right now, I don't think she can.  But you know what.......I think you should go to your Mom, put your arms around her, and tell her that you are so sorry that you both lost Daddy.  She needs comfort from you, just as you need comfort from her.  And I want you to know, sweetie, that anytime you need a shoulder to lean on, you can lean on me and e-mail me and I will get back to you.

You are very brave and very strong to be able to come on this forum and talk about your Dad, and how you are handling dealing with your kids in class with supporting your soldier, and explaining to them that no one wants war.  The soldiers don't want war, but they are defending our country from maniacs that want to kill us.

You don't have to deal with this on your own Ash, there are many people who will help you deal with the loss of your Dad.  We are all there for you.

Mimi

 Hello Sandy

 My 4 kids and I share the great opportunity in writing and supporting our troops overseas~Their dad was a marine and was in Iraq and we love to write and send cards and letters and a care package from time to time~My kids are 15, 13 and twins that are 8 years old~I feel it a great service project for my children and for all the kids I work with at school~I have noticed that the letters that are written to my students at school are a little more low keyed and that is fine with me~

Candygirl 

Mimi Z:

Ooooohhhhh Ash,

I am so sorry that you loss your Dad, and only a short time ago.  You don't know it now.....but you are still in shock and in the early stages of grieving.  I never even found out about the stages of grieving until my husband died.

The reason you can't really talk with your Mom about your Dad right now, because she is devastated.  She is probably so depressed and doesn't want to worry you with what she is going through right now.  I have been there as a wife who lost her husband, and as a kid who lost her Dad.  I did not realize what my Mom went through when my Dad died until 21 years later when my own husband died.  I told her "Mom, I am so sorry I never realized what you went through when Daddy died, and why you keep talking about him, even now".   And, she told me, "yeah Mary, you kids all thought I was nuts".  Ash this is what happens.  But you and your Mom have had some beautiful memories with your Dad and one day you will remember him and think of all the good times you had.  I know your Mom will talk to you about your Dad when she will be able too.  Right now, I don't think she can.  But you know what.......I think you should go to your Mom, put your arms around her, and tell her that you are so sorry that you both lost Daddy.  She needs comfort from you, just as you need comfort from her.  And I want you to know, sweetie, that anytime you need a shoulder to lean on, you can lean on me and e-mail me and I will get back to you.

You are very brave and very strong to be able to come on this forum and talk about your Dad, and how you are handling dealing with your kids in class with supporting your soldier, and explaining to them that no one wants war.  The soldiers don't want war, but they are defending our country from maniacs that want to kill us.

You don't have to deal with this on your own Ash, there are many people who will help you deal with the loss of your Dad.  We are all there for you.

Mimi

Thanks, I'll try it.