Hello all

I haven't posted in some time, but I do read these and I have been in the chat area some. I am writing to not really vent, but maybe express a concern or sad heart I feel.

Every year at Christmas, I take my kids and I and we go to the police, the firefighters and this year were going to add the hosptials to give them food/drinks, etc to let them know how much we appreciate them. This year, I decided to find a military family who was in need (and not do the others). Well I prayed to find the "right" family and I thought I did. I was put in immediate contact with the soldier (an Airman) himself from a base relatively near where I live. I heard the heartfelt story of not even having a proper Thanksgiving dinner and not having any money for their two teenage kids for presents or no money for groceries. A neighbor gave them a tree, another Sgt gave them $$ for dinner (not much) so I talked to him back and forth via email and came up with a plan. I wanted to get their kids at least something fun though not big.. he was talking like a personal cd player (not expensive) and a light for his son's room, that level. .then the wife peeped in. and stated the kids wanted ipods..  I was floored!! I told them heck we don't even have ipods and that no, this was about necessities and that is too costly too. So I finally talked to her on the phone.. she was indeed a bit "excitable" but I was very clear about needs vs. wants and she assured me about the coats they needed, shoes, etc and that Wal Mart was the best place for her (groceries there too)- so I felt better. Her children are both very big (large sized) kids too.

Well it gets worse. I originally wanted to have them over for dinner, but my husband just now said no way (he does not want strangers in our house) but the family had said they wanted Christmas dinner etc with themselves. So, now that I have given them gift cards to Wal Mart (a good portion too!-- some from my bonus from my new job) he writes me to say they decided if it was ok to have dinner with us so that they could use the money on the kids! All of it!! Naturally I had to say no, because we really do have other plans now (and now that I know my spouse feels as he does- though I did not tell the Soldier that) ,, but I specifically stated  that I did this  because of my devotion to those that serve.. and I hope that they will use the money wisely and not use it on frivolous things (I really meant his wife)--- asked that I thought they needed money for food? that is why the other person helped them too? I admit that email is a horrible way to communicate, but I couldn't bear to talk to him at this point.. I just felt taken advantage of.. Don't get me wrong, ,he comes across as a very humble, kind person.. I feel it is her that is a bit "off".... they are like most. people and they wer were doing fine until she got sick , lost her job and they are now overwhelmed.. getting by on his pay (he is not a high ranking officer or anything)..

So I left it as thanking him for his service, wished him a Merry Christmas and advised that although I am far from rich, it is the good Lord's will to have faith in humanity and to give what we do have to those in need. I know I may have hurt his feelings by saying I hope they put it to good use, but if it were $50, then I wouldn't care, but it was a good chunk of my money.

 so, if he writes back, what do I do or say? What if they want to meet? I have just told myself to realize that I did do the right thing, even if it was taken advantage of by the wife, and to just accept that and walk away. I still have other formal organizations to help yet too. I really , honestly do,feel it is her and not him and he is the reason I helped.. I told her and him that both.. HIS service and sacrifice led me to want to help.

Sorry for babbling too much but I know there are some wonderful junkies on this site and I wanted your insight. . I feel like  I should have donated the money to this site, but I wanted to make a very personable difference. Does anyone think I might have still done that? (fyi- his emails have always been VERY thankful, polite, open, etc....... I cannot stress enough that I think it is her and not him.. he is still a hero to me)   and Marty if you read this, I will still donate just not as much as  Ishould have :( (I love my calendars and can't wait to read the cookbook!!)

 thanks everyone

Oh, Lynn --

Let me start with a great big HUG for you -- from your Junkie friend --

I can only imagine how disheartened you must be feeling right now.  I am so sorry ....... <sigh>

I am struggling to find words for you -- I have such mixed feelings reading your post.  It was such a laudable thing for you to do, to want to help a struggling hero and his family.  And you DID!!!  You gave from your heart, Lynn, and that is never, never wrong.

We cannot control what recipients do with our gifts, and that's something that all of us have to deal with from time to time.  It doesn't take away from the essence of the gift, though, Lynn -- so try to hold on to that.

The only thing I can think of that might be of a positive "take-away" from this is -- if you decide you would like to reach out on a personal level again, to maybe work through the base Chaplain or Rear Detachment.  You may have done that (you didn't say). 

I am so sorry that you had this experience, Lynn -- a bazillion HUGS!!

Love,
Marilyn

thanks Marilyn

I did try that , but never got anyone to contact me back, but I did do this through an organization. Still, the organization only serves as the middle man, ya know?

Its ok. we'll see if he ever writes back-- I just told a friend of mine-- NO ONE will ever break my spirit.. I won't stop caring just because of a "confused" incident.. I don't want to say bad, because then it will seem that I have lose faith in humanity,, and I won't do that.

Lynn,

Perhaps the wife's frustrations with illness and lack of resources since being jobless have led her to a place she wouldn't be in normally - a position of helplessness and depression over their situation of not being able to provide what they would like for the children.  When we offer our help to someone, we don't know how they will react, and if we have committed to doing something, we then have to follow our hearts even though it doesn't turn out how we expected.  We can't always judge one person's thinking with our own, especially if we haven't walked in their shoes.  I feel bad that you have a bad taste in your mouth from trying to help them, but hope that the family will be grateful for your generous gift.

Gran

Hi Gran

I agree with you actually. I told a friend of mine - you know, until you are in that situation, you don't know how you will react.. that is why I used the word " confused"and again, why I did indeed keep my word to help. I don't turn my back on people, especially to those that serve.  I know it was the right thing to do,, I just hope that they feel joy on the special day.. Christmas is about giving; about caring; about spreading joy. .and I hope I have done that somehow..

I don't regret my decision- just felt a bit down-- that is all - but I will keep them in my prayers.. even if it goes to something frivolous then hey two kids will be happy on Christmas day, ,you know? And, that makes me smile :)

Hi Lynn,

     I understand what you were trying to do by selecting a family in need to help.  It sounds like some of the things that I have done in the past.  After geting to know a few soldiers through friends and relatives I have had an awakening about myself and the soldiers.  I had forgotten that these brave warriors are also human beings.  They come in all shapes, sizes  and value systems. 

    I am trying to be very diplomatic and not offensive to anyone here.  My grandson did two tours in Iraq, my father was a paratrooper in WWll so I have a great respect for what our troops do.  I have sent many boxes to the troops through this site and to some not on the site.   But, I have realized that they are people under those uniforms. 

    What I am trying to say here is that there are givers and takers in this world.  Some of those takers are in military uniforms.  They are con artists just waiting for a giver to show up so they can get what they can from them.  The ones in uniform have an advantage because they know how most of us feel about our service members and they use it against us.  It is also Christmas season and we are all vulnerable to the pleas of poor families.

     Knowing this doesn't stop me from supporting the troops and sending those FRBs every month.  There are many  warriors out there that really need and want our support.  Most of them hate to ask for anything but they do it for their brothers in arms.  The difference now is that I support with my eyes open.  If I get taken it doesn't affect me emotionally.  I would rather get taken by one than miss the one that really needs my help.

     I hope that something I've said is of some help to you.

Chyenne (Ann)

Hey Cheyenne  (Ann : ))

 Thanks for the support. I don't think there were ill intentions here- maybe some over zealousness on the wife's side  lol.. she did say that they had the church contribute to paying their electric bill, so I know the story must be true. I have not heard one word from him since telling him the cards have shipped    I sincerely hope I did not offend him--and I will stop worrying about it :) what's done is done.. only the good man upstairs knows what shall come of it. I will take solace in that their hearts are in the right places-- towards their kids.. and my heart was in the right place.. and for whatever reason,, this was meant to be :)

Almost time for the weekend to officially start on the East Coast. .THAT is a cause for celebration in itself!!  

I completely understand what you are saying. I am so "fed up" with taking gifts to homes that are better decorated and better furnished than mine will ever be.

But....that being said... I was thinking about the mom-there is no worse feeling than felling like you have let your kids down. No mom wants to see disappointed on their childs' face on Christmas morning.

You said that the children are teen agers but they are still kids.

You are right - you did this from your heart! DO NOT LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR JOY!!!!!

First, sweetie, relax, and breath...you did a very very good thing.

 People are people, even those we chose as our heroes, and the wife may have donated more expensive things in the past when she was working, and not given a thought to how expensive an iPod was.

Just a thought for people who are giving, make a basket.  If you want to do "dinner" Put in your ham or a coupon for turkey, cans of sides, bread or rolls, whatever you can afford and then a "gift" card to someplace like walmart (which is supposed to be within 15 miles of everyone).  Then just tell people I would like to help you out by giving you this basket.  Thank you for your service.  That way it is finite and non negotiable. And you don't have to say something that will make you sad.

 He may have thought your gift of friendship was open ended, or they may be people who live off others, one or both of them...but that does not negate YOU or what you did, which was wonderful.

I can tell you I often feel the same, when I give money to the person holding a "vet" sign, standing on the corner.  I saw a couple (4) of them and I drove through burger king, I got 4 hamburgers, 4 fries, 4 pies and 4 coffee, thinking to warm them up.  when I pulled up, one came over to the car, I handed him the bags, he set it on the hood of my car, set the coffee on the ground and told me he didn't drink coffee, and took the hamburgers...all of them, leaving the rest with fries and pies.  He walked off...coffee on the ground.  They came and got the rest.

You have no control over your gift...not fairness...not rightness...the only place it really matters is in your heart.  Not everything we do will find fertile ground, which is why there are quotes about casting pearls before swine...but sometimes, just a glimmer of happiness is brought to a receptive heart and then all the world, for that split second, is a wonderful place, while two hands and hearts meet.

YOU are wonderful!  YOU go girl.

Hugs

Lynn

Sorry to hear this happened. But as I am sure for the wife, she was probably excited that someone would take an interest and help out. I know people always want to give into frivolous things before necessities especially around the holidays. Not for the fact of wasting it but as children we are taught that Santa brings gifts to all of us. So in a way I am sure she was thinking of her children in what they would like and not in what they need. Holidays are tough. Although when we give a gift we hope they do the right thing. Hopefully they thought it thru and used some for food and some of it for a small gift for their children.

A friend once said to me why do you help others out? so many people can and probably have take advantage of you when you give a gift or do a kind thing or a kind gesture with "not even a thank you, or they snub you because of it, and even had people jealous of it." I turned to my friend and said I know one thing I always believe in paying it foward. meaning my act of kindness will someday will be handed back to me even in a small way. A check in the mail to me I didn't expect from taxes or something overpaid, a kind thought of a stranger, a gift from someone, a person helping me when my battery dies out in the middle of nowhere, someone holding the door when I have a gazillion packages to deliver, a kind word when I am having a bad day, etc.  Let me tell you I have been blessed many ways because of it and have met terrific people from it as well. Things do always pay forward.

Their are so many people that are greatful for the big things and little things you do, but sometimes people are embarrased of their misfortunes and really don't know how to say thank you. The way things we would handle and the way sometimes other people handle it are different, we have to be humble and except them as they are. It is hard in their situation and what they are going through so even though his wife might of handled it improperly, embrace the soldiers "thank you" and know you did a good thing.

I hope that helps and lets you know something good and kind will to come your way at some point.

I hope that helps!

Kindest Regards

Danielle

Hi Lynn,

A good friend, I don't remember which one told me that when you give a gift (of some type of money) that you can't attach strings to it.  If you do, then it is not a gift.  If you want them to have something specific then maybe you give them what, you want them to have.  It really made me stop and think. 

 I understand how you feel.  People smoke who can't afford food.  People take food when they can afford to buy it.  You just need to let it go and know that you did a good thing and leave it at that.  Don't torture yourself.  You had a good idea and followed through on it.  Way to go!

 Now go think of something that will cheer you up, like all the troops that you have made happy!

Take care

hey everyone

 Thanks again!

and yes - I have let it go.. I don't regret my decision and I trust in my heart that at least they will be happy- no matter what. I am a huge believer in paying it forward like above.. that is what makes the world a better place (and the movie is soooooooo sad!!)---

They did say thank you--and I accomplished what was meant to be -- giving it back..  :)  He is a hero to me (even 5 tours under his belt!)

Merry Christmas everyone (or Happy Holidays whichever suits you best)

Five tours!  He does deserve some TLC.  I think you picked a good one. 

Merry Christmas

vtleogal Hello!

It seems that sometimes good intentions don't work as we have envisioned them. You are not the only one to which this has happened. 

You original thought was to do a good deed. You have and that will never change.

You had an original game plan and when the wife got involved it was like changed the rules in the middle of a game. No wonder you feel awkward.

How someone will respond to help or aid that we may give is out of our control. So all we can do is expect the unexpected.  

Do not let this dishearten you at all. It is just a lesson you have learned first hand. Next time keep a tight reign on the situation by saying "I will have to think on that, can I get back to you later?"

I think you did right by the two children in that they will have a better Christmas with better clothing and in that you have given a better feeling for the parents also.

The only bad part was the awkwardness and that is now over.

You deserve a Thank you. Let me be one to say Thank you very much!

You keep trying and never give up.

You did the right thing, door

 Dear Vtleogal

     What you did, what you offered to this family..was a wonderful act of kindness.  There are some  super responses from other junkies, I hope you find the blend of ideas helpful.

  In reading  the many words  I am wondering if when given a choice of the essentials that the family needs...or an "ipod"  what  they would really perceive as a gift .   Clearly your "gift" was a necessity and definitely helped ease the strain from that aspect of thier lives.   But as someone else mentioned,  sadly, there are  those in this world that will say What else are you going to give me?

 You gave not only from your pocketbook, but from your heart.   You could have dropped coins into a kettle, but instead you wanted that first hand experience of giving directly. I think we all do.

Thank you for reaching out on this thread.  Please know in your heart that you have made a difference, the family (wife) just might not be able to see that just yet.

   HUGS Amy