Stories and Jokes

A GREAT EMAIL I GOT...(Tear Jerker) but I wonder who here would do this. I know I would

Connorsmommy — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:37:56 GMT

The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was

going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read, perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled

all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation.

'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then

we're being deployed to Afghanistan .'

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack

lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours

before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help

pass the time..

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he

planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a

sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we

get to base.'

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked

to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill.

'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed

tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier

in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated.
She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to

the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from

first class. 'This is your thanks.'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,

heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I

want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five

dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down

the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was

not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on

my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held

out his hand, an said, 'I want to shake your hand.'

Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand.

With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military

pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch.. It was an act of kindness I

never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of

the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A

man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,

wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting

just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something

in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word.

Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip

to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five

dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be

about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their

fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer

for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our

country. I could only give them a couple of meals.

It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check

made payable to ' Canada ' for an amount of 'up to and

including my life.'

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no

longer understand it.'

I JUST DID

~Freedom Isn't Free Somebody Paid~

(For those that dont know Petawawa is a Base In Ontairo Canada)

Thank YOU Any Soldier Supporters, ONE and ALL from ALL of US!!

no1dunn — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:10:04 GMT

I wrote this when I was in Saudi Arabia for Desert Storm. I want to dedicate it to all the AS Supporters!

TOGETHER WE STAND!

Together we stand Against a man

In this part of the world That is cover with sand

Side by side We'll fight this man

And drive him from Our neighbors land

He wants to steal What he did not earn

We must teach him a lesson And make him learn

That to take a land With the people in it

Is to start a war And he can not win it

By Chris Dunn February 1991

Thank you once again from ALL of US to ALL of YOU!!!

SFC Dunn, Christopher
95 MP BN
APO AE
09390

Hilarious Military T-Shirts

spacecadet — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:16:08 GMT

http://www.thoseshirts.com/imaomil.html

If you like football!

Bonehead — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 23:42:44 GMT

I have been part of semipro football for 10 years as a trainer. I talked a lot of smack, but this is too funny!!!!

Football Trash talking Advisory Board

« on: Today at 05:46:15 PM »

This came from Billybandit from the New York Football Forum
« on: August 18, 2009, 06:09:25 PM »
I found this post to be too funny!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think there should be a group of mild manner men that rate the trash talking on this site. You shouldn't be able to post until you win some games and actually make some plays to help your TEAM WIN. If you do not meet certain requirements you should be banned from the trash talking arena and limited to Public Service Announcements only.

I think instant disqualifiers should be:
If you have more than 5 semipro uniforms in your closet because every team you left sucks, NO TRASH TALK.
I think you shouldn't have a self appointed nick name that doesn't suit your game, like killer or hitstick, NO TRASH TALK.
I also think if you can make excuses after every time your team takes a L, NO TRASH TALK.

In case you have a hard time pointing these guys out here are some additional tips:
The guy who comes on the net and struggles to make sense, ever. SILLY TRASH TALKER
The guy who yells all game while his team is losing, talking about the big play HE made. SILLY TRASH TALKER
Last but not least. my personal favorite talks about himself in the third person. "Killer is going to have a big game today". SILLY TRASH TALKER

If any of these tips helps identify the Semipro Cellar Dweller in your midst then we have done our job.

If my body were a car....

Deni Dax — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:54:14 GMT

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

A robber walks into a bar...

Deni Dax — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:25:37 GMT

True story on the news this morning --

A robber walks into a bar where 20 off duty police officers are having a little bubbly.

You can guess what happened after that!

I had my laugh for the morning.

You Know You've Been in Iraq to long if

spacecadet — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 13:14:26 GMT

I got this from Christina Turner post. It's listed in the old contacts:

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN IRAQ TOO LONG....

When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"

When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus

Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR (contractor run) dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better

You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet

You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress

You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks

Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you

You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds

When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times

When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away

When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf

When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog

You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji mart

You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back

Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone

You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in country

You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah

You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah

You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.

You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there

You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural

You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides

The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket

You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.

When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"

You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)

When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."

When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.

While on R&R, you look out the window and find Nature, which leads you to wonder who stole your sandbags.

When some of the contractors wear their DCUs (Desert pattern camouflage uniform) more properly than some of your soldiers.

When 12 hours is a short work day

You go Battle Captains!

When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.

When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheers, and Bloody hell as part of your normal vocabulary

When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times

When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting

When you end every phone conversation with "Out"

When you're ordered to get an air mission together on short notice because it's a "Hot priority" only to have the Major call back once he is in the air to ask "Does anyone know where I am going?"

When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an exploding car and an exploding mortar

When on R & R you tell your wife that your weapon status is Red and your looking for the clearing barrel

When on R&R you go to Church and wonder why no one is wearing body armor or carrying an automatic weapon to the service

You see an indirect fire attack take out a generator and get angry at the enemy for not hitting the one that powers your computer

You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and your vigor to fight is renewed

You yell at the FNG for shouting incoming when the rounds don't impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt

You know that you need to run inside immediately after any win of an Iraqi sports team to keep from being hit by celebratory fire

You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings)

The highlight of your shopping experience at the PX is to see that they got in a new shipment of Schick Tracer razor blades

When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your blacks become grayer and your DCU's become grayer - makes it easier to sort loads...

You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed DCU's

You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack - the woobee will save you and at least you are comfortable

You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves

You wonder if the fish served at dinner really was carp caught out of the Tigris or Camp Victory's lake

A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the latrine

You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation

oops!

Deni Dax — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:50:34 GMT

Saw this in Reader's Digest and thought of us Junkies -

"Whenever I see military personnel, I make it a point to reach out to them. At a store recently, I spotted two young men decked out in camouflage. I stuck out my hand and said, "Thank you so much for serving our country." "Well, thank you, ma'am," said one of them, shaking my hand. "We'd like to take the credit, but we're just going duck hunting."

Has that ever happened to anyone reading this, or perhaps you'd rather remain anonymous.

12 Rules for Driving in Jersey:)

ann — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:29:37 GMT

A friend of mine sent me this educational email to send to friends and relatives visiting for the holidaysJ . In case anyone may be visiting our lovely state in the future, please note the driving regsJ -- and good luck!

How To Drive In Jersey

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ: A horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going. For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise. For those who haven't traveled there before, BEWARE!!! Be Prepared!!!

How To Drive In Jersey ...

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name; it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark. Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Sissy." (Just ask the Governor)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second;

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey . Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill..

9. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

SAFE DRIVING! ! !

Fly Hunting

Phillis — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:56:04 GMT

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! she said "Killing any?"

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

58 Ways to Get Rid of Blind Dates

makhno — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 06:20:06 GMT

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than s/he does.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
24. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
25. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
26. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
27. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
28. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
29. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
30. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
31. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e., anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
32. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
33. Auction your date off for silverware.
34. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
35. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
36. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
37. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
38. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
39. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
40. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
41. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
42. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
43. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
44. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
45. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
46. Accuse your date of espionage.
47. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
48. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
49. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
50. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
51. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
52. Make sure your entire outfit was purchased at the Purdue University Bookstore.
53. After kissing him/her explain that you're doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis.
54. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.
55. Show up with make up on ninety percent of your body...all lipstick... especially if you're male.
56. Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his/her mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.
57. As you food arrives, mention how long it's been since you last ate raw meat.
58. Yawn. Don't cover your mouth. Roar.

Through Someone Else's Eyes

heartmindsol — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:44:51 GMT

THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES
Name: Old Blue
Posting date: 1/19/09
Stationed in: Afghanistan
Milblog url: Bill and Bob's Excellent Afghan Adventure

A goodly portion of the American population is very concerned with how the rest of the world sees us. We see ourselves in a funhouse mirror reflection, through the press and through anecdotal evidence reflecting the personal views of the teller. We find what we are looking for.

The piece below originally appeared on a French blog and is destined to be a classic, because it shows us something rarely seen -- a glimpse of ourselves through someone else's eyes. For a small group of Frenchmen assigned to an OMLT -- Operational Mentoring and Liaison Team, the NATO-partner equivalent of ETTs, working with the ANA -- a company-plus element of the 101st Airborne represented America. They were America.

It has been said that it's a blessing to see ourselves as others see us. This is true not just for an individual, but for a nation. It is easy to display the character that you wish for others to see for certain hours of the day and away from your home -- many people have a "public face." But a person's truest character cannot be concealed during months of combat. And a group's truest character is revealed the same way.

American Troops in Afghanistan Through the Eyes of a French OMLT Infantryman

We have shared our daily life with two US units for quite a while -- they are the first and fourth companies of a prestigious infantry battalion whose name I will withhold for the sake of military secrecy. To the common man it is a unit just like any other. But we live with them and got to know them, and we henceforth know that we have the honor to live with one of the most renowned units of the US Army -- one that the movies brought to the public as series showing “ordinary soldiers thrust into extraordinary events”. Who are they, those soldiers from abroad, how is their daily life, and what support do they bring to the men of our OMLT every day? Few of them belong to the Easy Company, the one the TV series focuses on. This one nowadays is named Echo Company, and it has become the support company.

They have a terribly strong American accent -- from our point of view the language they speak is not even English. How many times did I have to write down what I wanted to say rather than waste precious minutes trying various pronunciations of a seemingly common word? Whatever state they are from, no two accents are alike and they even admit that in some crisis situations they have difficulties understanding each other.

Heavily built, fed at the earliest age with Gatorade, proteins and creatine - they are all heads and shoulders taller than us and their muscles remind us of Rambo. Our frames are amusingly skinny to them -- we are wimps, even the strongest of us -- and because of that they often mistake us for Afghans.

Here we discover America as it is often depicted: their values are taken to their paroxysm, often amplified by lack of privacy and the loneliness of this outpost in the middle of that Afghan valley. Honor, motherland -- everything here reminds of that: the American flag floating in the wind above the outpost, just like the one on the post parcels. Even if recruits often originate from the heart of American cities and gang territory, no one here has any goal other than to hold high and proud the star spangled banner. Each man knows he can count on the support of a whole people who provides them through the mail all that an American could miss in such a remote front-line location: books, chewing gums, razorblades, Gatorade, toothpaste etc., in such way that every man is aware of how much the American people backs him in his difficult mission. And that is a first shock to our preconceptions: the American soldier is no individualist. The team, the group, the combat team are the focus of all his attention.

And they are impressive warriors! We have not come across bad ones, as strange at it may seem to you when you know how critical French people can be. Even if some of them are a bit on the heavy side, all of them provide us everyday with lessons in infantry know-how. Beyond the wearing of a combat kit that never seem to discomfort them (helmet strap, helmet, combat goggles, rifles etc.) the long hours of watch at the outpost never seem to annoy them in the slightest. On the one square meter wooden tower above the perimeter wall they stand the five consecutive hours in full battle rattle and night vision goggles on top, their sight unmoving in the directions of likely danger. No distractions, no pauses, they are like statues nights and days. At night, all movements are performed in the dark -- only a handful of subdued red lights indicate the occasional presence of a soldier on the move. Same with the vehicles whose lights are covered -- everything happens in pitch dark even filling the fuel tanks with the Japy pump.

And combat? If you have seen Rambo you have seen it all -- always coming to the rescue when one of our teams gets in trouble, and always in the shortest delay. That is one of their tricks: they switch from t-shirt and sandals to combat-ready in three minutes. Arriving in contact with the enemy, the way they fight is simple and disconcerting: they just charge! They disembark and assault in stride, they bomb first and ask questions later -- which cuts any pussyfooting short.

We seldom hear any harsh word, and from 5 AM onwards the camp chores are performed in beautiful order and always with excellent spirit. A passing American helicopter stops near a stranded vehicle just to check that everything is alright; an American combat team will rush to support ours before even knowing how dangerous the mission is -- from what we have been given to witness, the American soldier is a beautiful and worthy heir to those who liberated France and Europe.

To those who bestow us with the honor of sharing their combat outposts and who everyday give proof of their military excellence, to those who pay the daily tribute of America’s army’s deployment on Afghan soil, to those we owned this article, ourselves hoping that we will always remain worthy of them and to always continue hearing them say that we are all the same band of brothers.

How to prepare for deployment

heartmindsol — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:51:16 GMT

HOW TO PREPARE FOR DEPLOYMENT
Name: Zachary Scott-Singley
Posting date: 1/9/09
Returned from: Iraq
Milblog: A Soldier's Thoughts

Here's something a friend sent me:

HOW TO PREPARE FOR DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ / AFGHANISTAN

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate the lack of hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat / air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater / air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold / hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

colourful — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:14:22 GMT

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him names. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

(I just thought this was too funny....hope it made you smile!)

Wildest Christmas Dinner

Carole — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:09:03 GMT

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

Weeweechu

colourful — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 02:34:50 GMT

It's almost a little late for this joke, but the punchline is timely.... :)

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

Special Christmas Gift Ideas for Children

andrewtiger — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:35:09 GMT

Here I would like to share some unique Christmas gift ideas to help you send out a handmade Christmas gift to your children.

1. Video cards
It will be a great gift for a new mom who is interested in using computer with her baby as a learning tool. You can list all the important words and images that you think a young infant need to know. Click to play the DIY video. Then teach your baby one by one. If you already have kids, this would be a fun project for you. You can click here to learn how to make a video card.

2. Knit a stuffed animal
Maybe some of you consider knitting as a tough thing. But in fact, if you could use thick needles and thick yarn, you should be able to jig up something that can be shaped into a hippopotamus-like form. Then knit it big and feel it afterwards. You can click here to learn how to make s stuffed animal in 10 steps.

3. Making matching outfits for your child and the stuffed animal
Children are always fancy about new things. If a stuffed animal is not enough, you can make a suite of matching outfits for him and his stuffed animal. A neighbor of mine once knit up a rabbit for his daughter, and made a little vest and scarf for the monkey and a matching one for the girl. Those days, she always loved wearing the new clothes and dragging her matching rabbit around with him. If you can sew or knit, you can do this.

4. Record your child’s growth
Make a photo album with your children’s pictures each year, and write out your best wishes to them. When they grow up, it will be a big fortune to them. Considering paper ones are not ideal for long-time preserve, you can make some video ones or DVD ones. For the details about how to do it, you can click here. Here is a ready-made video photo album from YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNKVrcqO0r8

These are just part of my ideas, do you have any more? Send something unusual to your child, and have a merry Christmas.

New Greeting Cards

makhno — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 06:22:36 GMT

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love, and now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
(Inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

santa's helpers

kathy cunningham — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 11:40:06 GMT

Sooooo, who ARE those little elves dancing in the santa video on the News Page, MARTY????

Kathy

Holiday Eating Tips

PatrioticLady — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:01:26 GMT

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
>
>
> 1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
> buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
> you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
> serving rum balls.
>
> 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You
> cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who
> cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if
> you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a
> treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
> think. It's Christmas!
>
> 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
> of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano
> out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
> Repeat.
>
> 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
> milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
> buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
>
> 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
> control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party
> is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
>
> 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
> Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to
> do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after
> circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food
> and that vat of eggnog.
>
> 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
> like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
> position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you
> can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a
> beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never
> going to see them again.
>
> 8. Same for pies. Apple,Pumpkin,Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
> Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
> Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
> dessert? LaborDay?
>
> 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
> mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
> have some standards.
>
> 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
> party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
> Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the
> corner. Remember this motto to live by:
>
> "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
> arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
> rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly
> used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Sailing home for Christmas

Phillis — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:28:19 GMT

http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1sailinghomeforchristmas.html

Army humor

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 06:02:56 GMT

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Christmas Poem

Amy937 — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 13:20:52 GMT

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

'What are you doing?' I asked without fear,
'Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!'
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said 'Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.'
'It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,'
Then he sighed, 'That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.'
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.'

' So go back inside,' he said, 'harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right.'
'But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
'Give you money,' I asked, 'or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son.'

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
'Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.'

Marines-The Old Man

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 16:53:13 GMT

This is a great story.

The Old Man

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open.

The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty five feet away.

I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming too and took a few steps towards him. I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something.

The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade and then turn back to the old man and I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying, "You shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car at your age." And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.

I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to tell her it would be okay. I had seen enough and I approached the old man. He saw me coming an stood straight and as I got near him I said, "Looks like you're having a problem."

He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head. I looked under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it was beyond me. Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and told the old man that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.

The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old gentleman.

When I shook hands with him earlier he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question,

"What outfit did you serve with?"

He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal . He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over. As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card.

He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We all shook hands all round again and I said my goodbye's to his wife.

I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me. One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me. Both of the men told me then, that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me.

I said I would and drove off.

For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name........ "Congressional Medal of Honor Society."

I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over and over. I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage and an honor to have been in his presence.

" Remember, old men like him gave you FREEDOM for America "

America is not at war.

The U.S. Military is at war.

America is at the Mall.

If you don't stand behind our troops,

PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

For your notes going to patients at a CSH...

colourful — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:34:00 GMT

I thought it might be fun to collect some things to write in them, especially [clean] medical/hospital jokes. Here's a funny that had me rolling...

A recently hired nurse listened while the doctor yelled, "Polio! Malaria! Chicken pox!"

The nurse asked another nurse "Why is the doctor going on like that??"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

Heehee. Got any good ones? I'd love to make our wounded warriors smile a little!